Thursday, January 17, 2002

If I had a gun now, I would put a bullet through my head. Apparently, you cannot always blame yourself for edging closer to the brink. Sometimes, it's just not your fault. Sometimes, events which are totally out of your hands just... happen.

It has been a bad time for a long time. The recession, that hideous 9-11 tragedy, hostilities breaking loose all over the world... evil begets evil, and I guess that in some ways, 9-11 just sliced open some old wounds which were actually showing signs of healing. But I digress. As I said, it has been a bad time for a long time. For me, it's been a bad time for even longer than the world. Even. Longer. And it got worse. And you know, things might actually go underground from here ( it's already waay downhill as it is ).

But, I'll make it through the long dark night, won't I? Hell, we all probably will, unless some idiot accidentally launches some spare nukes he has lying around or some roaming asteroid decides that Earth would be a good place to stop by for lunch. If we're lucky, we might even live through a nuclear holocaust. Now that would be some tale to tell the grandpups.

On Tuesday, my will to live ebbed to an absolute zero. There was no push to go on. Life had lost its sweetness, and I was looking through the eyes of eternity at everything. So in actuality, I was looking at dust everywhere. That beautiful picture with the waterfall someone forwarded to me? Dust. That game I was planning to write in Java? Dust. Cause in the end, nothing really matters. I don't care how many things you have, how much good you do - all that is going to amount to nothing when Earth dissolves under the heat of a dying sun.

That Tuesday night, Mulder resigned from the FBI on the X-Files. Deciding that pain was probably something which could jolt me back into reality, I decided to go for a rewatch of that thriller which jarred my psyche back in 1995; I slipped in my not-too-recently purchased but still unseen DVD of Se7en.

And the good Detective Somerset put things into focus: 'Ernest Hemingway once said that the world is a fine place, and worth fighting for. I agree with the second part.'

I guess I won't be shooting myself anytime soon anymore.

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