Thursday, July 29, 2004

Day 3 of caffeine withdrawal.

Being all low and demotivated, I decided that perhaps I needed a little victory in my life to bring my spirits up. So I told my boss that yes, I might be able to finish my initial coding tasks by next week. Some idiot at the meeting blew it out of proportion and now I have to deliver a prototype by next week.

I need a little victory, not suicide.

Saturday, July 24, 2004

A nice painless death to end my existence would be nice. I know, I've always wanted to go out in a heroic manner, standing in a dark alley in the rain as the forces of darkness advance upon me. Or maybe like Bruce Willis in Armageddon. That would be cool in a final televised-all-around-the-world way.

But sometimes, the burden of failure... it's just plain painful. No wait. This isn't about failing. This is all about being unable to do something. Like how we can't breathe underwater naturally. Or how we can't fly naturally. We just can't. And I just can't. Why even talk about a relationship when I'm not the relationship type? Wanting love and actually being able to give and take love... two totally different things. Like, so many things I could have done to make things different! So many things I could have said! Everything amounts to nothing now. I should kill myself or something, just so that the world doesn't suffer anymore of my innate stupidity. Great natural talent with the royal assholeness, your Proseship. How could anyone be so dense! How could anyone be so dumb! How could anyone like me suffer myself to live!

She was right. I'm just about the most boring person on Earth. You know what, I'm so boring I bored myself tonight. Hence the self-flagellation. I mean, there was ACTUAL self-boredom. I was like, "Christ, this is why I can never get a date to save my own life. I can't even hold a proper conversation." The saddest thing is, I've never bored myself before. And now, I've reached a new level of boredom.

Oh screw it all. More of that Aquavit. More.

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

I've been told today that I shouldn't get married because all marriages end unhappily. After the initial "What the-", I slowly started thinking about it. Is it really true that all marriages end unhappily? That both parties will grow weary and tired of each other? That to "grow old happily together" is just a myth? Or is this all just the bitter musings of some fellow who doesn't listen to what his wife says anymore?

You know what? I think it's all utter bullshit. Marriage, like every other relationship, requires work. You can't just tie the knot and expect everything to fall into place perfectly. The parents-in-law will come in. The children issue will crop up. The question about who pays for what will be asked. Throw in work pressure and "too tired to have sex tonight dear" excuses and the 'new hot trainee in the office' temptation and yes, marriage will be trying.

Then again, if marriage were so easy, it wouldn't be worth it, would it? And that's the thing about getting married. People always think it's easy. And the whole thing comes crashing down when they realize that most marriages will require a lot of work from both parties. You think it's easy living with another person for an extended period of time? If you both don't start developing homicidal feelings towards each other, one of you will bore the hell out of the other. So it's either the vicious fights, the nights of infidelity, the complete and utter silence or all of the above and more. I mean, so much shit can go wrong in a marriage so why even bother, right?

I do wonder. And it gives me pause. Do I even want to get into the hassle of a relationship? The most significant results of my past relationships have been a lot of grief, emotional torment and even a trip down the road of alcoholism. But, I have to remember the happy times I've had. There's never a better feeling than being with the person you love. That happy jump your heart makes everytime she calls you up on the phone with that sweet "hello". Her laugh when you tell her a genuinely funny joke after a couple of dozen jokes which weren't really funny in the first place. When you look back at the mess that is your life, at least you can point out these times when you were actually happy. And you can say that at one point in time at least, someone found you worthy enough to call you her own and to have you call her your own. Of course, things went to hell after that but then happened the most significant result of the relationship - emerging alive and ( maybe ) a little stronger than before. Or maybe more desensitized towards emotions but you get what I mean.

So what have I learned from all that? The obvious. Relationships take constant work. Marriage is no different. It's like that saying - "the price of freedom is eternal vigilance". Likewise, "the price of a happy relationship is constant effort at keeping it alive". You could hope that things will work out by themselves but really, things can only deteriorate if you leave them unattended to. Your relationship becomes like a dilapidated house, with broken awnings and cracked window panes and who on Earth would want to live in a house like that? No wonder the floor just drops away and the relationship is over.

So. Marriages can work out fine. If the parties involved are willing to make it work by putting effort into it.

Monday, July 19, 2004

Sometimes, it's like no matter how bad things were in the past, they can only get worse as you grow older. I have to admit, I was content in my old job. All the solitude you can ever ask for, 9.00am - 5.30pm job, no weekends. Staying back late at work was so rare people thanked you when that happened.

And then I decided that maybe a lot of work would help my mind not think of certain things. And so I left my old job for the one I'm currently in. Now I'm in the office by 7.30am and the earliest I ever leave work is 8.00pm ( except for Thursday nights, but that's because there's Buffy and Angel on Astro ). I'm also back in the office on weekends.

Worse, I'm no longer contented. Solitude is safe. With people, things get a little dangerous. You form alliances, you make friends but in the end, you just know you're going to be alone all over again ( cause everything, like life, is temporary ). I've traded an eternity of boredom for an environment filled with turmoil and fluid situations. For a few dollars more I've sacrificed my personal time to the company. I'm so smart, I've turned myself into the one thing I promised myself I'll never be when I first set out to work after graduation. Christ, what a screwup. I don't even like what I'm doing much. You just know things are going downhill when you're happy to reach home after your programming job just so that you can do your own programming stuff.

Bitter! Bitterness! How can the world bring forth such bitterness! It's like bile rising up from deep within!

But I can moan and whine and pity myself all I want and in the end it'll all be the same. The only thing that will change how things work is action. ACTION! Like resigning. Or hacking my boss to death with a keyboard. Oh well. Back into the fray. Work work work...

Sunday, July 18, 2004

I guess that at the moment, nothing beats listening to Mandarin ballads on a Saturday night ( thank ye kindly, Flossflake ) and talking to your friends over ICQ ( thank ye kindly, Flossflake ). There was that Pitch Black viewing just a little bit earlier which got me all amped up to be Vin Diesel all over again. The man rocks, yeah. Every guy should want to be like him, black goggles and all. But after all the excitement and pitch blackness, you just want to sit down and wait the night out cause really, it's a Saturday night. Enjoy the peace and the ballads.

And maybe watch an episode of Millennium. First, there is action. Then, there are the peaceful thoughts with slow ballads. And to make the night complete, end it all with 40 minutes of disturbing quality television.

Yeah. Welcome to Saturday night.

Saturday, July 17, 2004

And then, there are the Willows of the world who do that soul restoration thing. One moment you feel like you're stuck at the bottom of the ocean, feral and too easily provoked. And just like that, you're back to normal, once again with that chilling perspective of the world which kinda freaks people out when you share it with them ( so you don't share it anymore ). A big hug and a thank you to them.

Last night till today seems like such a long journey. At the same time, it was also strangely refreshing. It's like one of those refreshing long journeys. Like coming out of a bus in Cameron Highlands and feeling the cold chilly wind blow against you and realizing that maybe things aren't so bad after all.

And this week's update:
Fye is leaving Penang for Cyberjaya. And the office gets a little bit more broody.
Life is turning into the Angel season 3 finale. So many things happening... it's like how things were going so well, and now they're all falling apart. The only difference between the finale and my life now is:

1. There isn't a Cordelia on her way to rendezvous with me to tell me how much she loves me.
2. I'm actually looking forward to spending the next three months going mad with hunger at the bottom of the ocean. Cause that will give me perspective. Kind of an M. C. Escher perspective, but I'll get time to think.

Well, I'm just feeling rather soulless.

Monday, July 12, 2004


I made it through the year
And you would think
Losing someone so dear
Would drive me to the brink

Well, I did go mad
And there was much insanity
Much pain, and all was bad
Sinking further into depravity

A hollow shell that walked
A lost shadow that talked
Alone in isolation
Filled with empty desolation

But hope springs eternal
Filling up this vessel
As the spark in my eyes came back
And spirit I no longer lacked

There's always tomorrow
For there can't always be sorrow
And perhaps in the next story
The ending might even be happy.

1999 - 2003
I Loved Her A Lot

Monday, July 05, 2004

Tomyam on an empty stomach. Not one of my terribly bright ideas. I think the sourness and spiciness of my dinner is giving me cramps now. Ow. Ow. Ow. I think my mood is rapidly deteriorating towards the general direction of eXtreme grumpiness. Ow. This tomyam is evil.

Anyway, it's been a horrible weekend. Horror, horror. There was this crisis, and that crisis, and in between all the crises I even managed to snag some quality time with my DVDs. One of the thornier crises actually got resolved this afternoon, so I'm finally coming out of BroodMode and rejoining the living. And it's such a heavy burden which has been lifted from my shoulders. Sure, there's that sting of insecurity and the overwhelming feeling of unwantedness left but hey, better some life then no life. At least now I can sleep. Gah. What a mess that was.

Okay. OW. Damn tomyam. At least now I can stretch my body a little. I asked everyone in the office out for dinner but everyone turned me down. But hey, if you're at the office at 8pm, you're probably rushing for something. Unlike me. I've nowhere left to go but home anyway. Might as well get some work done and soak up the air-cond.

And oh... tomyam? OW.

Friday, July 02, 2004

That's the problem with hope. It makes you do the whacky. Makes you think that the world isn't such a bad place after all. Makes you believe that the future might be more than a bleak emptiness.

That's hope for you. Cause when none of that comes to fruition, the walls come crashing down. The spirit dies a little, the dreams turn to ashes, the light in the eyes fades to a pallid dullness. You know what they say about hope keeping people going? For every success story that you hear, there're a million others which ended with much unhappiness. She hoped that her son would come see her as she lay dying, but he never turned up. He hoped he would get the job, but the company never called him back. They hoped he would come visit them in the old folks' home, but he never came.

I think it's very human to hope. You want something, you look forward to getting it... what else can you do but make believe that you will get it? It's all fine when you actually get it. It's when you don't, that's when things don't look too well for you. Sometimes, it might be something small. Insignificant, even. But enough of these failed little things, or maybe just one big hope which didn't come out like how you wanted it to, and maybe it starts eating into you.

It's also very human to bounce back from disappointments. Life is harsh and challenging, and maybe that's why there lies within each of us the resilient ability to stand up again after getting our hopes dashed to pieces, give the world the finger and ask it "Is that all you've got?". Sometimes, we might even come back stronger. Though most times wiser and possibly a little less more arrogant than we were before.

You know what? I think I'm getting pretty preachy in my old age. Fack. But let's look at it from a certain perspective. Last time, I used to get all suicidal. Between last time and now, I got all world-destructive. Now, I just get a little preachy, listen to songs a little weepy, maybe even sit around and be a little broody. I believe I might have grown a little bit more as a person.

And a couple of my friends are celebrating their birthdays today. Them and Michelle Branch. So to those ladies,