Saturday, August 28, 2004

It's not about right, not about wrong. It's about power.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Sometimes, it's good to be really smashed. For one, it forces you to actually concentrate when you type. To get rid of them pesky spelling and grammar mistakes. Trust me. It's not easy when your head weighs a ton. Secondly, it really helps with the forgetting. Not that it's really helping now. Every keystroke on the keyboard sounds WAY too loud. But. It's not so bad. Just focusing on getting everything else right is hard enough.

So. What do we talk about today? I'm tempted to do "What A Failure I Am", but that's so cliched. My friends have heard it so many times it's actually tiring now. But you know, that's what I'm feeling now. BUT. We don't talk about it. We swallow our failures and we live with it. Actually, maybe we should just live it. Makes hard men out of us all in the morning. Now if I can grow stubble and start going to a gym...

Okay. What about OED? You know you've hit a new low when hitting your back causes your stomach to wobble. *giggle* Wobble. Heh heh. Natt wobbled all right. BUT. Wobble my stomach did. And that's not funny. It's disturbing. Cause I really don't want to wobble. It's probably the reason why I move so slowly these days. Like, slow motion. And it irks me. It irks me a lot. I'm like this great white whale walking around.

Damnit. The effects are wearing off. And I'm out of vodka.
So my manager decided to have lunch with me and another guy today. Doesn't mean that we're on the fastrack up the promotion ladder. Actually it's quite the opposite. Man feels his engineers are slipping, calls them out for a motivational-demotivational lunch. He tries, yeah. I mean, the man takes time to connect with us, find out our aspirations, stuff like that. That's effort. Unfortunately, I'm wired weird of late. That must be why I'm kinda demotivated right now.

But that's okay. Cause in KFC today, I met... FAZIRA THE VAMPIRE SLAYER!

Well actually she just looks like a very cute Faith [Eliza Dushku] sans the wicked coolness. What she lacks in hotness ( cause seriously, it's hard to be as hot as Faith, let alone hotter ) she makes up in sweetness. It'll be really funny though, seeing her running around dusting stuff while wearing her tudung and all.

Monday, August 23, 2004

I'm suffering from OED. Obsessive Eating Disorder. I obsess about food the whole day, even when I'm not hungry. Come to think about it, I've been obsessing about food especially when I'm not hungry. I haven't been hungry for a long time. Still, I eat. This has led to an increase in abdomen bloatiness. I think the internal farting is helping a lot with the bloat. It's been happening for some time now. Everytime I fart, instead of farting outwards, I fart inwards. It's not very amusing when deadly fart smells which should have been distributed into the immediate vicinity is instead swallowed back inside. I guess this means there's a lot of gas in me now. At least I don't burp inwards. That would be disgusting.

I can't seem to stop eating though. And that's worrying. Second largest worry is the internal farting. It's been so long since I last smelled my own fart.

Sunday, August 22, 2004

People who go "YES!!!" way too loudly when they manage to get things working. I try not to care, but when you're wrapped up in deep concentration inside a room silent save for mouse clicks and keyboard clackings, it's VERY annoying. The kind of annoying that makes you want to stand up and pump a few bullets into those bastards' heads. A FEW bullets, mind you, in the HEAD, to make sure they'll never ever again go "YES!!!" and bring forth a rush of anger in others.

It's not that I'm saying people shouldn't display happiness or anything. However, in an environment where the other guy might be desperately losing it because his stuff can't work, perhaps happiness should best be internalized. Go jack off in the toilet ("I did it! I did it! AAAAAAAAA" *shudder*). Or go post your success in a blog or something.

Today I managed to get my software working. YES! YES!! YES!!! I'm jacking off now to celebrate! AAAAAAAAA *shudder*

There. That isn't too hard, is it? That way, you get to announce to the world, people who read your blog will know that you've achieved something with your miserable life, innocent bystanders won't think anymore badly of you and the sexual gratification? Always a good thing. We end up with a cosy win-win situation for everybody involved. Except for the toilet cleaner, maybe, who'll have to deal with dried patches of something which turn sticky upon contact with water.

Friday, August 20, 2004

So the panic button's been pushed. HARD. Ever had a good panic? I'm having one now. Hate these panic attacks though. Unlocks my inner OCD and now I can't stop eating all food in sight or drinking coffee. And I think my eyes are starting to look kinda weird too. Omygodomygodomygod.

Well, at least Manic Me has nothing but work on the mind. This trip into working hell gives me a break from the soap opera that is my life.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

My power comes from my boundless rage.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Today I learned:
  • Rejection can sometimes be very costly.
  • What my friends really thought about me.
  • Most people will never believe you can change.
  • How the laughing clown can be crying inside.
  • Giving up is so much easier than going on.
I would have preferred never having to learn all this in one day. But if I didn't, I would never have learned this:
  • Fighting the good fight is so much harder than it seems.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Sometimes, when I screw up, I feel that the person who has the hardest time forgiving me is myself. The amount of guilt I can happily pile upon myself can be voluminous. My self-flagellation is ruthless, which is why I have no self-esteem. One mistake and what meagre little self pride I've been able to scrape for myself will be destroyed.

What happened?

I was late. For a meeting. Which could have seriously gone south had my quick-thinking colleague not pull a rabbit out of the hat and stall the meeting with a very plausible reason. I really owe her for that. There was guilt, of course. A whole lot of what-ifs which kept on repeating themselves over and over in my head. Of course, I'm going to have hell to pay tomorrow when my managers find out what a close call I just had.

But after the meeting, I was feeling kinda down. Got into the "whip thyself" groove and kept on pelting myself with "YOU BASTARD YOU ARE FAILURE" thoughts. However, I've been working hard to get myself out of brood mode into contemplative mode ever since last year. It still needs a little refinement. I still need to reduce the cycle time. Tonight, though, I jumpstarted the process by actually telling someone about it.

And absolution came in three words:

Everyone makes mistakes.

I guess I just needed someone to tell me that. Forgiveness.

Monday, August 09, 2004

Some people think they have issues. They don't know what having issues is all about. It's all about the shit you shit out.

I haven't been able to shit for the past few days. When I fart, it smells like something is rotting inside me. There's this stench of putrified fruit around me for at least ten minutes after I fart. I didn't know smell could be clingy.

But that's not all. This morning I managed to actually shit. Like the stench, the shit was clingy. And kinda soft. But there were hard bits of something inside, cause it felt like it was ripping off pieces of my ass on the way out. To top it all off, the first piece came out at a 45 degree angle. HELLO? WEIRD, MUCH?

Saturday, August 07, 2004

I hate dreams sometimes. Especially the perfect ones. I had one of those last night. In that dream, everything was well in my life. I got the girl, I got the waffles and baked onions from McDonald's, my bosses were suddenly understanding. Then I woke up. And I punched the wall next to my bed when I realized that everything was just a dream. For the reality is far, far from the dream. The cold Saturday morning greeted me with a loud "Welcome Back to Reality, Loser".

But as my mind slowly woke up a little more, the sting of that dream lessened. It's like how the morning swiftly chases nightmares away. In time, the memory of that dream will fade away, and all I'll have left is "Yeah, I did wake up a mite cranky, but I'm feeling better now".

For now, I'll just go take a bath, put on my weekend clothes and go back to work.

Monday, August 02, 2004

I've been agonizing over this for so long. Why can't I get into a perfect working environment? I loved my first job - made some great friends there - but I had to leave cause they were going to fire me. In my second job I learned the meaning of solitude. But I also managed to do a lot of weird shit. And now, in this job, we have the ultimate in today's fast-paced working environment - The Colleague From Hell ( hereby known as TCFH ).

In my first job, it was the bosses who were out to get us. And that was cool. In my second job there was no such thing. No one really gave a shit as long as you got the job done. And now, just about the perfect environment. Just about. With the exception of TCFH. The bastard you want to kill. The asshole you want to drown in the toilet bowl but you know what, screw torture. Let's just kill the shiteater. TCFH's very existence is the bane of my existence. The working environment is perfect as long as that scumbag doesn't come to work.

But what is life without someone who gets on your nerves just by living? If anything, it'll be a lesson in "LOVING YOUR ENEMIES". That's right. We must "LOVE OUR ENEMIES". Turn a blind eye. Judge not by the fact that you want to bash in their faces for looking like how they look, but judge them by what and who they are. And if that still doesn't stop you from wanting to kick their intestines out... well...

WELL THEN YOU STILL HAVE TO BE FRIENDS WITH THEM DAMNIT. This bloody world doesn't work unless each and every one of us give our best effort to make it work. And holding on to petty dislikes is an example of NOT giving your best. So swallow your dislikes, put away your uncompromising hatred and accept those bastards for who they are.

Here endeth the lesson.