Tuesday, November 30, 2004

The big picture is sometimes one of those things you're better off without. When you don't see the big picture, ignorance is bliss. You walk around a happier person, smiling at the sun and wishing the flowers good morning. And then, one day, you get a glimpse of the big picture. It's not always obvious at first. You could be looking at someone else who's gotten a better look at the big picture, who's behaving in a different way than before because of what he knows, and you could shun the big picture. "Screw it," you say. "If that's what the big picture does to people, then it's not for me. I'm happy at the bottom of the pond, wallowing in my muddy little corner of the world. It's dark and I don't see much, but hey. I'm comfortable."

Time goes by. Slowly, the layers in front of the big picture are pulled back. Every now and then, another small splinter of the glass window covering the big picture breaks away and falls. The big picture doesn't get presented in a neat little training slide. It's not one of those epiphanies you get as you walk towards the car in the morning. It's that slow, creeping enlightenment which ominously slides over your life like a thin film of oil. It's the darkening of a sunny day by black angry clouds. One moment you're cavorting in the sun. The next, you feel a slight chill, and you realize that the day has suddenly gotten so much darker. And like all things esoterical and wickedly just beyond your grasp, the big picture beckons.

It calls to you like your hot sexy neighbour during a powercut in the night, promising cool kisses of relief and pleasure. It draws you close like an exposed monorail track, hypnotizing you to throw yourself onto the electrified rails. It's the shaky tooth in your mouth, screaming out for you to rip it out of your jaw. Knowledge of the big picture is tempting.

So you give in to the siren call. You seek it, wanting to know more. At this point you are heedless of the consequences. Quenching the desire is all you care about. "I must know," you say to yourself. And you poke. And you think. And you prod. And you ask. And you pay attention. But the big picture is not meant to be forced. Some things cannot happen overnight. Yet you roll on relentlessly, an unstoppable juggernaut wanting to know.

Then you come to that point where you want to stop knowing. In the mid throes of passion you remember that the sexy neighbour riding you has had sex with lots of other guys and is probably crawling with STDs. As you fall in slow motion towards the rails you think that maybe passing away quietly on a deathbed surrounded by grandchildren is a more preferable death to painful electrocution. As your hand slowly peels back that shaky tooth, the pain forces you to rethink your brilliant plan of DIY dentistry. But it's too late. You've already seen a part of the big picture. You don't like it. But you cannot stop right here and now. The veil has been parted. You cannot forget what you now know. The big picture will make you a grimmer person and there's nothing you can do about it.

So you let her ride you to the end, your sweaty torso desperately bucking away in bittersweet ecstasy between her moist STD-ridden crotch. You grit your teeth hard and reach for the rails, determined to let the charged electricy course through your body. With one savage pull you rip that tooth out of your mouth, blood and pain intermingled with relief.

You will see the big picture. And you will live with it. Cause that's what life is about. Learning to live with it.

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