Tuesday, April 27, 2004

The skies were so black and swollen, I decided to have coffee and biscuits instead of driving out for dinner. Expectedly, I gorged too much on the biscuits. Now, I pay for my gluttony with this really sick feeling in my stomach. It's like you want to puke, but you can't really puke because everything's slimed down and clinging stubbornly to the lower intestines. Outrageously sick-to-the-stomach feeling.

That is the price we pay for the sin of gluttony.

( Memo to self: No more massive biscuit intake, you moron ).

But enough of such depressing thoughts. Let us, instead, focus on my life at the moment. My life has turned into one long conference call. Almost everyday, I do that conference call thing with a bunch of people in the US of A. Which is pretty cool, because one of them has a really sweet voice. But she sounds suspiciously like the plumper* I just saw in some video I downloaded from the Internet.

[ *: I'm just saying she sounds like that por- er, actress. They're probably not the same people. She's a really nice person over the phone, really. Everyone loves her. Not to say that no one likes the actress. That dog seemed pretty happy with her. ]

Anyway, back to that conference call thing. Yes. Calls. With the USA. Their mornings are our nights, so we do late night calls ( cause people need to have breakfast too ). It's wearing me out. But in a way, I find it... reassuring. People can no longer tell me that I don't have a life, cause I finally have something to do at night apart from playing my PS2 and indulging in some quality brooding in the dark.

Oh God. I don't have a life. I believe I just managed to morbidly depress myself.

Monday, April 26, 2004

Monday night and I'm at work. I believe that celebrations are in order, now that the famed seven-day working week has finally kicked off. Lots of fun to be had, yeah. The office water supply has been cut, which means that although I can indulge in a little shitting, there won't any way for me to flush my contributions down the drain. So I'm holding back the blocks of excretion ( we're talking black chunks here, due to all the coffee I've had ) until my conference call is done and I can get home.

Monday, right? And I feel wasted. Every part of my body seems to ache. I feel insanely sleepy, like I can just about kill for a nice comfy bed to pass out on. I bet this is all due to the fun-filled weekend I just had. Nice torrential thunderstorms ( complete with sweeping winds from the sea ), a large and very expensive dose of intensive shopping, lots of driving around, hours spent in the office... all that can wear a man out. So while every other colleague of mine has gone home to mercifully fall unconscious ( rough weekends too, they had ), I'm mustering the remnants of my strength to stay awake.

One, two
Freddy's coming for you
Three, four
Better lock your door
Five, six
Grab a crucifix
Seven, eight
Gonna stay up late
Nine, ten
Never sleep again.

Sunday, April 25, 2004

On May 6th...

THE SLAYER RETURNS

All new episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel...
Only on Star World!
Whell. That was one nerve-wracking week. I hate these double-whammy weeks. First someone drops a bomb on you, and just as you're recovering, they decide to drop the rest of the bombs. Makes you never want to assume that since something this bad has already happened this week, nothing worse can happen until next week. As we all already know, if something can go wrong, it will. If you can get publicly humiliated, you will. If your friend is going to shaft you from your ass to your mouth, he will. If the world is going to end, it won't, cause *you* want it to end, and what you want you can't have ( sorry, man, but c'est la vie ).

If it's going to rain everytime you want to leave the office, it will too. Bloody hell. Even the weather has decided to participate in this game of Kick-The-Prose.

Friday, April 23, 2004

Cause if the world slams you down...
You.
Get.
Up.
Again.

No matter how many times you get put down.
No matter how hard the fall is.
No matter how you feel like quitting and throwing it all away.

Cause after the dust has cleared and you're left all alone ( cause no one likes to hang with a loser, even if it's to offer a little sympathy or some small words of consolation ), you know you'll ask, "What do I do now?"

And the answer here will be: "I do what I have to do. I go on with life."

Thursday, April 22, 2004

¿Que Pasa, y'all?

Ohkay. I'm not in a particularly cheery mood. Multiple conference calls at night - and I'll have to be in the office for them - plus the lack of sleep is driving me nuts. Caffeine, yes caffeine is the only thing keeping me going ( 'n moving, 'n groovin' ). Lots and lots of caffeine. I'm in caffeine overload heaven. Later will come the caffeine crash, but that's a problem the people I'm having a meeting with after lunch will have to deal with, not me.

( some time later... )

That was in the morning. A minimegameeting took up most of the morning. Then there was the running around printing out stuff, checking out the latest and greatest water cooler in the corridor, a few more hundred meetings, etc... and here I am now, still reeling from a semi-betrayal at the hands of one of my friends. It's a new feeling, really. Most times, I don't know what just hit me. This time, the transgressor is clearly in view. A multitude of feelings are sweeping through me all at the same time, ranging from "How could he!" to "The other cheek, man! Turn the other cheek!" and of course, the default "Let's end this bloody world now!!!". I feel that it demonstrates my wonderful ability to mood swing more than anything else.

But it's okay. We're cool with this. We can deal. The world slams us down, we get up and be defiant about it. Then the world slams us down again. And we get up again. And the world slams us down yet again. And again we get up. Only to get slammed down ( yet again again ). And after a few vicious cycles we're finally ready to sock it back to the world and that's when the "Let's end this bloody world now!!!" mentality kicks in and behold, Prose the Destroyer of Worlds.

Really need to get my hands on some quality weapons-grade uranium. Or maybe just some C4. Like a truckload. Or a whole cargo ship full of it. If I can't end the world all at once, at least I can make a big big hole in it.

You know, kinda interesting how things work. When you first get put down, you feel all suicidal and stuff and so "I'm a loser kill me now". The depression uproots your life, leaving you nothing but just enough energy to get up every morning to continue this dreary life. A few more times of getting your world shattered and crushed, the loser cycle fades away real quick ( although it's still there ), to be replaced by the need for vengeance. Utter complete uncomplicated cold bloody unrestrained vengeance.

I'm pretty sure there might be after phases if someone keeps on getting bad breaks in life. Resignation, maybe. Perhaps that's why some old people don't bother anymore. They've learned life's number one lesson: "You cannot win."

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Today I stole a Reese's Peanut Butter Egg from a colleague who just came back from America and OMG IT WAS WONDERFUL!

Chocolate-covered peanut butter. Who would have thought it would have been so deliciously sinful? Mmmm... sin is a peanut butter egg. We're not talking the uber-sticky peanut butter here - this is the kind that does not stick to your teeth, does not get stuck on your gums, the kind that just makes you crave for MORE. I'm still recovering from a particularly bad gumboil ( damn chilli ) and it didn't hurt a bit. Now that I think of it, I should have stolen the entire bag of peanut butter eggs. Why should I stop at just ONE, right? A sin's a sin. If you're going to burn in hell for a single peanut butter egg, you might as well take the whole bag and enjoy the flames.

Sunday, April 18, 2004

"We have to be made out of sterner stuff than this."

And even if we're not, we should just pretend that we are. In time we would have fooled ourselves into believing that we are made out of sterner stuff than we actually are.

That's because in the end, You Are Who You Think You Are.

Actually, that way lies delusions. And that's fun too.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

Ah, to be the villain. Occasionally, by accident too. I think my self-destructive tendencies are slowing resurfacing again. I can feel my worst enemy kicking in, alienating me from my colleagues and threatening my career. And as much as I want to adopt the usual "been there, done that, let's do it again" attitude and throw everything away, another part of me asks: "Is this what you really want?"

People. Heh. can't live with them, can't live without them. I wonder if this has anything to do with my nightmare last night. Personally, really missing the bad dreams with the unseen horror pursuing me or those with the entrails of people I know adorning a black steel fence. At least with those, you feel a tremendous sense of relief when you wake up. But the dreams which only emphasize the reality of my life now... God I hate those. I don't need to go to bed, tired of fending off depression only to sleep, dream, get depressed and wake up feeling even more tired of the world.

I know I shouldn't be complaining too much. Alive, with the job I've always wanted... except of course, maybe it didn't turn out quite as well as I thought it would.

Ah, so tired of everything. I think it's the fight which is wearing me out. It's okay if you're naturally chirpy and cheerful - the type of person that everyone else would really love to feed to crocodiles. It's another thing when you make a conscious effort not to let the negativity which is what half of you is all about seep into your life. You put on a facade and play the masquerade and you think that maybe in time, you would have worn the mask for so long that it becomes your face. And then, somewhere down the line, you realize that there's really no point to all of that, is there? People are people and no matter what you do, all the faults and the flaws will come out someday and voila(!) - conflict.

Note: Conflict is what some of us live for but hey, that doesn't mean we don't make our best efforts to prevent such a situation from happening.

My mistake - again - is getting close to people. It's not something that I can help though. My drama teacher once told me that the thing which sets humans apart from animals is their need to communicate. I still think that might not be exactly true, but I'm beginning to see some truth in it.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

"So do you play table tennis?"
"No."
"Football? Basketball?"
"No."
"What about when you were in school? No sports?"
"No. I find them all pointless."
"Chess?"
"No."
"You don't play boardgames?"
"No."
"What do you play?"
"Myself."

And I'm so hoping she doesn't take it as sexual harassment. I mean, that won't exactly be sexual harassment, right? How else would you describe single-player games on the computer? By their very nature, if you play a single-player game, you would be playing with yourself. Not with the computer, mind you, cause all it does is compute stuff and provide you with an extremely impartial mediator.

At any rate, here's another female colleague who won't be talking to me for the rest of the week. Yay me. My antisocial aura has grown so powerful I no longer even have to try to chase people away anymore.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

There's something about being out of town which changes some internal chemistry within me. I'm still suffering from tiredness and a feeling of displacement after my Singapore trip. Yeah. I tell everyone it's jetlag but they keep on insisting that it's not. "Have to be in a different timezone", they complain. What about different latitudes, huh? Singapore is far enough from Penang to warrant enough biochemisical changes in a person's body, you know.

The worst thing about the whole affair is people actually believing I really think I'm suffering from jetlag. Come on, you creeps. Dictionary.com, yeah.


jet lag also jet-lag
n.
A temporary disruption of bodily rhythms caused by high-speed travel across several time zones typically in a jet aircraft.


Doh. Give me some credit. I may be ignorant, but I'm not that simple. I was travelling in an aeroplane, damnit, not a jet.

Friday, April 09, 2004

No wonder why one of my colleagues feels like quitting. With most of the team sent off to sunny Florida, it feels very alone here. The guy who went to Singapore with me doesn't experience that - there's a whole new bunch of newcomers who are his ex-university mates, and the pretty engineer in charge of some project is kinda tight with him too. Which leaves me standing alone in the rain. Again. No more chairs to kick around. Sigh.

It's sad how this place is swiftly turning into an MCA branch. When I first came in, the team was kinda balanced racially. Now we're getting more and more Chinese folks who like to stick together speaking Mandarin. I might as well go off to work in China. At least there I know their English is probably sucky enough not to use. Maybe then I'll be more motivated to take up Mandarin. Here, the very people who are using Mandarin really make you NOT want to learn the language. Elitist bastards who can look you in the eye AND continue speaking in Mandarin knowing fully well that you don't understand what the hell they're talking about.

You know it's a bad sign when everytime you fly back from somewhere you wish your plane had crashed instead of landing safely. Ah, fark it. Everyone has their cross to bear.

NEAAAAAARER MY GOD TO THEE
NEAAAAAARER TO THEEEEEEEEEE
Right. Back. Planes didn't crash. Not while I was on them. Not while I was transitting between them. Not after I got out of them. Now seriously lacking sleep. Losing coherence integrity. I nodded off awhile ago when everyone was out for breakfast. And there are new players in the office. I've met one of them. Seems like a pretty nice guy. There's another who has usurped the throne of the IronCock ( who's having a bout of suffering in sunny Florida ). I don't mind the company, except that I was going to expand my territory. Dump my stuff on the IronCock's table and chair. Reappropriate his monitor. Have my own personal debug station. Dreams of that gone up in flames stoked by my very own manager. There is much resentment in me. The usurper had the foresight not to come to work today. Which is good. I would have crucified the bastard, what with all the resentment and the lack of sleep.

Which reminds me.

HAVE A GOOD FRIDAY, Y'ALL.

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

Listerine is a friend. Yes it is. A few thousand gargles later, the sore throat is but a fading memory. Bad memory, yes, but fading. Actually, kinda faded by now. Yes, Listerine is a friend indeed.

Sadly, work is not a friend. I'm having work taken away from me. Things I'm supposed to be in charge of, I'm delegated to a bystander position. Well yay farking me. First it was overwork, now it's having responsibilities ripped away without so much as a "By the way we're taking work away from you". More of a "Hey everyone, this guy here just got work taken away from him *mock* *mock* *mock*". Lack of faith, much?

Question remains, of course: How much longer before I start walking down JobStreet again?

Bah. Such dark thoughts. Need to watch more episodes of Millenium. That'll put things into perspective.

Anyway, tonight we went to Hard Rock Cafe for dinner. Had myself a nice decent steak, but the other guy with me didn't really like the spaghetti he had. Guess the food there isn't all that great. But we didn't exactly go there for the food. We went there for the *ambience*. At least, that guy did. I just tagged along because I didn't have many other places left to go.

And tomorrow: WE FLY HOME.

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

Sore throat. Throat infection. Buffet breakfast at the Grand Hyatt. Buffet dinner at the Marriot. Did I mention I'm going to die of either 1) a VERY BAD SORE THROAT or 2) a SERIOUS CASE OF INDIGESTION soon? Memo to self: Do not go for buffets if you're suffering from a sore throat and feeling feverish at the same time. So now, I just finished a conference call. And my eyes are burning and my nose is flaring and I feel absolutely horrible. You know, that feeling where you feel like you're going to be sick? And this damn room has no temperature control either. I tried turning the aircon off, but I can still hear the hum somewhere in the room.

WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO HAVE A NICE HOT AND HUMID TROPICAL CLIMATE!

But they give free apples in front of the lift. Two fruit baskets - one has green apples, the other has Fuji apples. I of course filch a Fuji apple everyday. Maybe I should hide one in my room for breakfast tomorrow morning. The sourness will go a long way to waking me up.

Monday, April 05, 2004

Bringing news to you LIVE from Orchard Road!

Well, nothing much to tell. Boss said "Pack up and go, you worthless floating pieces of shit." So me and the other engineer packed our stuff and here we are, vacationing away in the Grand Hyatt Hotel, Singapore. Not that we're vacationing - we've got some training to attend, and there are LOTS OF READING TO BE DONE. LOTS. So much until I cannot in good conscience begin peeling open my Magic: The Gathering "Rath And Storm" novel.

The flight was pretty okay ( we're still alive after all ). The air-stewardess was pretty snappy so we didn't bug her too much. Immigration wasn't too bad, although I thought I saw Babgafa's wife there too. I think I'm developing some kind of throat infection, which I really didn't help by eating some raw sushi. Urgh. Double urgh. At least the free apple was sour. That helped the stomach a little. I do hope the throat infection would go away. It'll be murder so far away from home.