Sunday, March 06, 2005

I. Fat. Penang. Hot.

And the jetlag has not totally gone away yet too. Hello there, and welcome to yet another pointless exercise in rambling courtesy of your craven host, Nicholas Prose. Tonight we bring you mini reviews of the movies I've watched during the weekend. Mind you, mini reviews equates to me bitching about the movies while feeling slightly sleepy.

Constantine
I hear from people who have not read the comic that it's a pretty good flick. There's action, horror, angels, demons, Keanu Reeves... what's not to like? I, on the other hand, am a firm believer that John Constantine was meant to be played by someone who's British, blonde and more rascally. Keanu's Constantine is less of a right bastard and more of a serious bastard. While the John Constantine of the Hellblazer comic was somewhat of a rascal and a manipulative magician, this American incarnation is more of a supernatural Rambo. As a standalone movie totally unrelated to the Hellblazer comic, it's probably all right. Personally, I do have to ask this question: Why on Earth couldn't they have made John Constantine British and blonde? It's like casting Shawn and Marlon Wayans as Starsky and Hutch.

Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events
That Violet Baudelaire, played by the delightful Emily Browning, is HOT. And she's almost legal too. Good Lord, she can give that Emma Watson chick ( aka Hermione Granger of Harry Potter fame ) a good challenge. In fact, if I had to choose between the two, I would go with Miss Browning. She seems less inclined to grow up and turn into a sassy bitch. Not that I have anything against sassy bitches - it's just that serious gloomy proper ladies are so deliciously gothic. Anyway, before I get arrested, let me just say that you might not want to watch this movie. Yes, dear reader, it is my solemn duty to warn you to stay away from this most horrible audio-visual recording of the lives of the poor, poor Baudelaire children. Yeah right, who am I kidding? It cracked me up a few times, and the weird settings in the movie seemed rather... Tim Burtonesque. I'm lovin' it, and not only because of Emily Browning.

Dead End
The only reason why I got this movie was because a) Zombie Keeper gave it a pretty favourable review awhile back and b) I saw it in One-Stop in a 2-in-1 DVD along with Joyride. So I got it, I sat down to watch it and I was quite delighted that I found it pretty good. Not bad at all for a movie about long distance trips. A good thing I didn't watch it before I came back from the US. Back over there, we did a lot of long distance trips, all of them usually running late into the night. But you folks out there should catch it, yeah. Especially those of you who are about to embark on long distance trips via car. The lady in white in the movie was hot though.

Joyride
The only reason why I watched this movie is because it was on the 2-in-1 DVD with Dead End. To be honest, I've been meaning to catch it for awhile now ever since it came out. Yes, it came out in 2001 and now it's 2005. That's procrastination for you. Do I like this movie? A bit. Leelee Sobieski could have taken a lot more of her clothes off. Joyride turned out to be a pretty straightforward movie of road rage and cruel pranks. It wasn't terribly exiting, but neither was it downright horrible. A pretty good way to spend a couple of hours. I don't see myself watching it again though. One thing I learned from this movie: Don't fool around with them CB radios. They're dangerous.

JEEpERs CrEEpers
Gawd, this was a pretty horrible movie. I can't believe I've been hunting for this DVD ever since I came back. The protagonists started out pretty likeable. And then the brother became so annoying I was rooting for him to get killed. "Please kill the retard brother already!" I screamed at the bad guy everything he menacingly appeared. The sister was kinda cute although she looked pretty old. And there wasn't any nudity to remember although I think I read somewhere that there was brief nudity - the only tantalizing part was when the sister stood up after she peed ( but she had her panties on, so, oh well ). Horror movies without nudity? Humanity is really falling apart. But even if we don't factor that in, the movie is still pretty bad. Like, bite off my own arm bad. I bought it along with Jeepers Creepers 2 - I so hope that one is better.

And that's all for today. I do so want to turn in right now, but the tomyam I had for dinner is troubling me a lot. I'll go pump myself full of water and hope for the best. Toodles.

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