Wednesday, June 01, 2005

I've gotta admit, I've been in a funk lately. My demons somehow decided that it was that time of the year to torment me again, so here they are. Making with the torment. Is it the lack of sleep? The newfound aggression birthed by too much Doom 3? Or am I truly weak and puny, a has-been who should just up and disappear. World's a big place. A man could disappear anywhere. Should.

Oh WELL. My career has always made for depressing talk. Personally, I don't know where I fit in. Programmer? Consultant? Destroyer of worlds? There's that line where nothing is impossible if you put your mind to it, but I find the focusing of such energies to be beyond my grasp. It makes you wonder how other people do it. Those *driven* bastards who forge forward no matter what the cost. Kinda like a bulldog who won't stop biting your leg. Or a soldier who keeps coming at you no matter how many bayonets you stick up his ass. Now that's determination.

Sadly, not everyone can be such powerhouses of will. It's different when you're forced to do it. I doubt many pregnant women just give up during labour and go, "Hey doc, you know what? To hell with this push-it push-it some more thingy you're trying to get me to do. Get me a shot of vodka and let's try this again next Wednesday." That may be determination, but it's more of the "get out of me now you little shit so that I can look thin and pretty again" brand of determination.

When you're *not* forced to do it... ah. It's like exams all over again. You know the paper's next Monday. You know you haven't read anything about it yet. You know you really really need to start studying now if you want to just barely pass. But you know what? Fifteen minutes into reading and you're so falling asleep that you soon find yourself back at your computer, exterminating the hordes of hell in Doom 2.

Yes, those were the merry old days. Apparently, those were these days for me too, albeit the task and the distraction are no longer the same. That's what differentiates us normal people and the successful ones. Force of will. Discipline of mind. Rare qualities, both of them.

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