Here are some survival tips for the constipated:
- Do not clench. Trust me on this.
- Move slow. Like we have Speed in Quake III, right? Do the opposite. Do Slow.
- If walking / standing / sitting is painful, lie down. Assume the position. Anyone walking in might take advantage of your ass hanging in the air, so lock the door or wear some pants when assuming the position. With your ass up like that, you will not irritate the lumps.
- Consume some kind of fiber like there's no tomorrow. If I hadn't taken psyllium husk earlier, I would be dead now, and this post would have been blogged from Purgatory at least. When you have painful lumps causing you grief right next to your shithole, take evasive action by making your excrement delightfully soft.
- Do not clench. Really.
- Consult the doctor if you start experiencing pain overwhelming. The doctor might tie a thread to the lump and pull, but I might have misunderstood the doctor when he told me that.