Wednesday, December 28, 2005

End of the Year Piles

It wouldn't let me go into the next year without forcing me to bid 2005 a painful farewell. Yes, it is the return of the piles. Those invisible ( to me, visible to everybody else ) little lumps which are causing me intense grief 24/7. I can feel them, you know. There's a large one accompanied by one or two little ones. They're painful as hell, have I mentioned that? When I'm standing, I'm in agony. When I'm walking, I'm in agony. When I'm sitting... *owww*. Doesn't help that I have training now, which means sitting down for nearly 8 hours today. I'm ready to break out into a heartrending edition of "My Lumps".

Here are some survival tips for the constipated:
  1. Do not clench. Trust me on this.
  2. Move slow. Like we have Speed in Quake III, right? Do the opposite. Do Slow.
  3. If walking / standing / sitting is painful, lie down. Assume the position. Anyone walking in might take advantage of your ass hanging in the air, so lock the door or wear some pants when assuming the position. With your ass up like that, you will not irritate the lumps.
  4. Consume some kind of fiber like there's no tomorrow. If I hadn't taken psyllium husk earlier, I would be dead now, and this post would have been blogged from Purgatory at least. When you have painful lumps causing you grief right next to your shithole, take evasive action by making your excrement delightfully soft.
  5. Do not clench. Really.
  6. Consult the doctor if you start experiencing pain overwhelming. The doctor might tie a thread to the lump and pull, but I might have misunderstood the doctor when he told me that.
And so I leave you now in agony, as I finish up the last day of my training. If I never post again, it is possible that the lumps have grown so big that they've exploded, killing me. In that case, I bid you a fond (yet painful) farewell.


justine said...

I'll buy you some prunes!

Nicholas Prose said...

Awww, you are too kind. Speaking of prunes, with the amount of cold water I'm using to bathe nowadays, certain parts of my body look very prunish :(.