Saturday, December 31, 2005

Prelude to More Pain

Pain, yes. My body is already starting to feel sore. My arms, especially, are starting to feel like they're going to drop off. Von Darke burned a Visitor's Pass to get me into Fitness First today. For a couple of hours, we worked the machines hard. Well, maybe not that hard. I'm way out of shape, and Von Darke's only started gymning. Tomorrow, I will pay the price. There will be pain.

But you know, I kinda like the gym thing. It actually cleared my sinus. And the sauna really rocked. They should open something like this in the Bayan Baru area. Then I will seriously consider joining a gym.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Sources of Pain

So for the past couple of days, the piles were getting to me. Pain, occasionally pulsing pain, coming from the region of my shithole. The lumps were sensitive, sometimes too sensitive ( and when I had to use the toilet paper on it... man, it was like caressing a swollen boil with sandpaper ). Most importantly, the pain was free. I didn't have to pay a single cent and tada! Free pain.

This afternoon, in our quest for a hard drive to replace my ( once thought dead but apparently only faking then ) dying hard drive, Von Darke the elder managed to convince me to go for a foot massage. They call it foot reflexology, but I call it paid torture aka the pain which is not free. I give them RM30 and for the next 45 minutes, they destroy my feet and my back. It was half an hour on the feet and 15 minutes on the back and shoulders, but it felt like forever. Especially the feet part. Von Darke's masseur seemed to be of the lepak kind, but mine is a professional. A specialist. An artist. Someone who takes great pride in delivering the best massage session possible. A person who will stop at nothing to ensure that you get you RM30 worth of massage. He attacked his job with gusto and since my feet was his job, OH MY GOD you can imagine my agony. He poked HARD. He squeezed HARD. He pulled HARD. He pushed HARD. He is an artist, and my poor battered feet was his canvas. I'm a little surprised that I'm still able to walk properly.

Von Darke assures me that I will sleep well tonight. Given the amount of pain my body has been through these past few days, sleep will be my only reprieve.

Vacation Thursday

Or something like that. I find myself at home, logged into the company network, watching the X-Files. Yippee. I'm also taking this opportunity to clean up my blogroll. Jaclyn has vanished, and Fye is now female ( he actually stopped blogging sometime ago hehe ).

So the pain from the piles seem to have subsided. For now. I dozed off at around 11.30pm while reading the Da Vinci Code. I've eaten my brunch and the piles didn't cause me extreme pain like yesterday, but the lumps are still there. I'm hoping it'll go away in time. In the meantime, I'll be consuming a lot of psyllium husk. Lots. Oodles. So much that I'll turn myself into a fiber monster. Anything to prevent a brief vision of hell when I go to the toilet.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

End of the Year Piles

It wouldn't let me go into the next year without forcing me to bid 2005 a painful farewell. Yes, it is the return of the piles. Those invisible ( to me, visible to everybody else ) little lumps which are causing me intense grief 24/7. I can feel them, you know. There's a large one accompanied by one or two little ones. They're painful as hell, have I mentioned that? When I'm standing, I'm in agony. When I'm walking, I'm in agony. When I'm sitting... *owww*. Doesn't help that I have training now, which means sitting down for nearly 8 hours today. I'm ready to break out into a heartrending edition of "My Lumps".

Here are some survival tips for the constipated:
  1. Do not clench. Trust me on this.
  2. Move slow. Like we have Speed in Quake III, right? Do the opposite. Do Slow.
  3. If walking / standing / sitting is painful, lie down. Assume the position. Anyone walking in might take advantage of your ass hanging in the air, so lock the door or wear some pants when assuming the position. With your ass up like that, you will not irritate the lumps.
  4. Consume some kind of fiber like there's no tomorrow. If I hadn't taken psyllium husk earlier, I would be dead now, and this post would have been blogged from Purgatory at least. When you have painful lumps causing you grief right next to your shithole, take evasive action by making your excrement delightfully soft.
  5. Do not clench. Really.
  6. Consult the doctor if you start experiencing pain overwhelming. The doctor might tie a thread to the lump and pull, but I might have misunderstood the doctor when he told me that.
And so I leave you now in agony, as I finish up the last day of my training. If I never post again, it is possible that the lumps have grown so big that they've exploded, killing me. In that case, I bid you a fond (yet painful) farewell.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Merry Christmas 2005

Hello everybody. Merry Christmas 2005. Somehow, I can't stop thinking about the X-File episode where we have the Cigarette Smoking Man alone for Christmas. The one where he wanted to be a writer, but failed. The one with "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" playing in the background.

And you thought you had issues.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Congratulations Kenny & Burger King

Gentlemen, congratulations on getting married. As I'm typing this, I hope you're pounding your wives like there's no tomorrow. I hope you get her all slimy and sweaty and sticky. I hope your marriages last forever, as all marriages are supposed to last. I hope you continue pounding your wives till death do you part. And if Zombie Honeymoon is any indication, I hope you keep on pounding your wives until the end of time.

POUND AWAY, GENTLEMEN. MAKE THEM THE HAPPIEST WOMEN ON EARTH.

Salut.